86-year Old Lady's Letter to Bank
Shown below, is an actual letter that was
sent to a bank by an 86 year old woman.
The bank manager thought it amusing enough to
have it published in the New York Times.
Shown below, is an actual letter that was
sent to a bank by an 86 year old woman.
The bank manager thought it amusing enough to
have it published in the New York Times.
Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check
with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.
By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have
elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my
account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the
automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which,
I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You are to be
commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for
debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience
caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in
which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial
ways. I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls
and letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the
impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your
bank has become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal
with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will
therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at
your bank, by check,addressed personally and confidentially to an
employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an
offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an
envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact which I
require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to
eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as
your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.
Please note that all copies of his or her
medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the
mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts,
assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue
your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings
with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but,
again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of
me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.
As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of
flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further.
When you call me, press buttons as follows:
IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*)
BUTTON FOR ENGLISH
#1. To make an appointment to see me
#2. To query a missing payment.
#3. To transfer the call to my living room in
case I am there.
#4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I
am sleeping
#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I
am attending to nature.
#6.. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if
I am not at home
#7. To leave a message on my computer, a
password to access my computer is required. Password will be
communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact
mentioned earlier.
#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to
options 1 through 7.
#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.
The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my
automated answering service.
#10. This is a second reminder to press* for
English.
While this may, on occasion, involve a
lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for theduration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example,
I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this
new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly
less prosperous New Year?
Your Humble Client
And remember: Don't make old People mad.
We don't like being old in the first place, so
it doesn't take much to piss us off.
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